U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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