I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
