So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
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Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
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Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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