I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
