I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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