I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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