Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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