Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
