The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Randomize
