I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
