Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
