just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
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Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
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So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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