Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
