i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
