i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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