i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
