I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
