Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
