Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
