theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I need to sanitize my soul.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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