she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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