I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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