I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
