i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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