hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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