You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
