a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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