I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize