Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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