i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
