Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
no, he came in my armpit
Who wears a wallet chain?!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
