The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
