I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
