Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
