Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
