4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
