WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
