I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
