look no pants
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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