I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
