so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
