dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
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In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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