She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
