trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
