Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
