Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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