apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
