i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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