apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
