I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
