Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
