apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
