yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
