Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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