the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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