youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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