hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
