Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The uberlube is also flammable
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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