dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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